Upsell
To sell someone more of the thing they have not figured out yet.
"He tried to upsell me the premium tier of a product I cannot log into."
Touchpoint
Any contact with a customer, counted obsessively in a spreadsheet.
"We logged 12 touchpoints and still lost the deal."
Funnel
A diagram showing how many people lose interest at every step.
"Our funnel is a cliff with one survivor at the bottom."
Quota
A number designed to be just out of reach all year.
"I hit 99% of quota, which counts as failure and a great story."
Discovery call
A meeting to discover whether the prospect will ever answer again.
"The discovery call discovered they ghosted us."
Warm lead
A prospect who once clicked an email and now lives in your CRM forever.
"This warm lead has been warming since 2021."
WFH
Work From Home. Same job, fewer pants, more snacks within reach.
"WFH day, meaning my commute was eight feet and a coffee."
You are on mute
The most spoken sentence of the modern workplace.
"He gave a passionate two-minute point while on mute. Twice."
Camera on
A request that turns a relaxed call into a hostage situation.
"Can we get cameras on, said the slide that lost the room."
Async
A way of working that means I will reply whenever, possibly never.
"We are async, so my answer to your urgent question is coming next week."
Hybrid
A schedule designed so you are always in the office on the wrong days.
"Hybrid means I drive in for the meetings that are all on Zoom anyway."
Return to office
A mandate to commute somewhere to sit on the same video calls.
"Return to office, so we can all be on mute in the same building."
Hot desk
A desk that belongs to no one and smells faintly of everyone.
"I hot desked next to a stranger lunch and a dying plant."
Watercooler
The mythical place where culture allegedly happens.
"Remote work killed the watercooler, so now culture is a Slack channel nobody reads."
Slack
To message someone three desks away instead of standing up.
"I slacked the guy next to me to ask if he wanted coffee."
Standup
A daily call where remote workers confirm they are, in fact, still alive.
"Standup is the one time a day I prove I exist."
KPI
Key Performance Indicator. A number chosen because it is easy to make go up.
"We hit every KPI and somehow lost money."
ROI
Return On Investment. The number you invent to justify the thing you already bought.
"The ROI on the offsite was strong, mostly in vibes."
SOW
Statement Of Work. A document everyone signs and no one rereads until the lawsuit.
"That feature is not in the SOW, the four words that end all hope."
RACI
A chart explaining who is Responsible, Accountable, and Confused.
"The RACI says I am Informed, which means I found out after it broke."