PIP
Performance Improvement Plan. The polite countdown timer from HR.
"They put him on a PIP, which is corporate for start packing."
#hr
17 entries
Lunch and learn
A meeting that takes your lunch and teaches you to resent it.
"The lunch and learn ran long, so it was just a learn."
Right-size
To make a company the correct size by removing the people in it.
"We are right-sizing, which means the team is now you."
Restructure
A reorganization where the org chart changes and the work does not.
"The restructure gave me a new manager and the same problems."
Quiet quitting
Doing exactly the job you are paid for and calling it rebellion.
"He started quiet quitting, also known as reading his job description."
Quiet firing
Making someone job so miserable that resignation looks like their idea.
"They quiet fired her by scheduling every meeting at 7 a.m."
Culture fit
A reason for a hiring decision that legal prefers you not write down.
"He was not a culture fit, which means he asked about overtime."
Performance review
An annual ritual where a year of work is reduced to meets expectations.
"My performance review said I exceed expectations and my raise said otherwise."
Onboarding
Two weeks of waiting for a laptop while being told to hit the ground running.
"My onboarding was a swag bag and a login that did not work."
Onboarding
The brief honeymoon before the systems break you.
"Onboarding ended the moment someone added me to the on-call rotation."
Offboarding
The process of revoking access to systems that never quite worked anyway.
"My offboarding finally fixed the permissions I needed all year."
Work-life balance
A benefit listed in the job post and revoked in the first week.
"They value work-life balance, said the Slack message at 11 p.m."
Career pathing
A conversation about your future designed to delay your raise.
"We discussed career pathing, which is HR for not right now."
Skip level
A meeting with your boss boss where you pretend everything is great.
"My skip level was 30 minutes of saying things are going well."
Hybrid
A schedule designed so you are always in the office on the wrong days.
"Hybrid means I drive in for the meetings that are all on Zoom anyway."
SME
Subject Matter Expert. The one person who knows how it works and is always on vacation.
"We need the SME, who is, of course, unreachable until next month."
NDA
Non-Disclosure Agreement. The reason I cannot tell you why I am laughing.
"I signed an NDA so dense it had an NDA inside it."