corporate: workplace slang & terms

Cost center

What finance calls your entire team right before the reorg.

"We got reclassified from strategic to cost center on a Tuesday."

A company-wide meeting where good news is announced and bad news is implied.

"The all hands was very upbeat about the very upsetting numbers."

The meeting you hold to prepare for the meeting that prepares for the decision.

"We had a pre-meeting to align before the alignment meeting."

A single keystroke capable of ending careers and starting feuds.

"He hit reply all to say thanks and the thread lasted four days."

We have no idea what happened but we are panicking responsibly.

"Out of an abundance of caution we reset everyone password at midnight."

What we do because someone else did it once and wrote a blog about it.

"It is best practice, meaning nobody remembers why we do it."

A mandate to commute somewhere to sit on the same video calls.

"Return to office, so we can all be on mute in the same building."

A desk that belongs to no one and smells faintly of everyone.

"I hot desked next to a stranger lunch and a dying plant."

How a decision looks, weighted far above whether it is any good.

"The layoffs had bad optics, which worried them more than the layoffs."