Onboarding
Two weeks of waiting for a laptop while being told to hit the ground running.
"My onboarding was a swag bag and a login that did not work."
Offboarding
The process of revoking access to systems that never quite worked anyway.
"My offboarding finally fixed the permissions I needed all year."
Stretch goal
A target set so high that missing it is built into the plan.
"The stretch goal was 300%, so 90% is technically a disappointment."
Work-life balance
A benefit listed in the job post and revoked in the first week.
"They value work-life balance, said the Slack message at 11 p.m."
Career pathing
A conversation about your future designed to delay your raise.
"We discussed career pathing, which is HR for not right now."
Servant leader
A leader who serves you a vision and lets you carry it.
"Our servant leader empowered us to do his job for him."
Micromanage
To hire smart people and then narrate their every keystroke.
"He micromanages so closely he has opinions on my cursor."
Skip level
A meeting with your boss boss where you pretend everything is great.
"My skip level was 30 minutes of saying things are going well."
One on one
A weekly meeting that drifts from your growth to the manager feelings.
"My one on one became therapy, and I was the therapist."
Empower
To give someone responsibility without the authority to use it.
"They empowered me to fix it but not to change anything."
Delegate
To hand off a task and keep all the credit on standby.
"He delegated the work and personally accepted the praise."
Bench
Where talented people wait between projects and slowly forget their skills.
"I have been on the bench so long I updated my resume twice."
Low-hanging fruit
The easy wins everyone claims and no one actually picks.
"We grabbed the low-hanging fruit, which is still hanging there."
Move the needle
To make a change so small only the deck notices.
"This initiative will move the needle, said the needle that never moved."
Boil the ocean
To attempt everything at once and accomplish a warm puddle.
"Let us not boil the ocean, said the team boiling the ocean."
Paradigm shift
A normal change described by someone who reads too many decks.
"He called a new spreadsheet a paradigm shift."
Best practice
What we do because someone else did it once and wrote a blog about it.
"It is best practice, meaning nobody remembers why we do it."
Value add
A phrase added to make ordinary work sound like a gift.
"As a value add, I attached the file you already asked for."
Core competency
The one thing a company does well, cited while it does ten things badly.
"Our core competency is focus, said the company with nine new products."
Holistic
A word that makes vague sound thoughtful.
"We need a holistic approach, meaning we have no specific plan."